Stuff Environmentalists Like, Part 5: Never Throwing Things Away

From the cover story of the December issue of Plenty Magazine, the fifth installment in your beginner's guide to befriending and exploiting green people

By Christian Lander

Environmentalists are passionate about bicycling, public transportation, and walking—none of which ever add up to a free ride to the airport. One of the few types of automobiles accepted by environmentalists is a Volvo or Mercedes converted to run on vegetable oil. These are considered valid options because they run on the waste of nonenvironmentalists and they reuse older cars. Environmentalists will go to great lengths to reuse things, even things they didn’t like the first time around. 


While this emphasis on reuse will ultimately benefit the earth, you should not overlook the many ways in which it can benefit you! When you are in the home of an environmentalist and see something you covet, start dropping hints. Keep saying, “I suppose I’ll pick one up—I just hate to buy new and use all those resources.” If this does not work, you probably aren’t dealing with a real environmentalist.

Please note: This tactic will not work if the object in question is a Prius. Procuring an environmentalist’s Prius is a very advanced procedure that is too complicated and delicate to divulge on these pages.

Read Part Four: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you

Read Part Three: Being depressed by statistics

Read Part Two: Brainwashing children

Read Part One: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner