Stuff Environmentalists Like, Part 4: Knowing Which Ingredients in Your Shampoo Will Kill You

From the cover story of the December issue of Plenty Magazine, the fourth installment in your beginner's guide to befriending and exploiting green people

By Christian Lander

The first thing you will notice about environmentalists is the smell. As it stands, they come in three flavors: lavender, patchouli, and natural. This is due to the fact that environmentalists do not use deodorant because it contains aluminum and a number of chemicals that concern them greatly. Instead, environmentalists prefer the scents of nature. The most committed allow their own bodies to dictate their smell identity. More often than not this will lead you to believe that the person you are talking to is an organic onion or garlic farmer. Fortunately, there are no environmentalists who consider it an insult to be mistaken for an organic farmer.

As for the rest of their grooming regimen, a look into the shower stall of an environmentalist will reveal several bottles of natural shampoos that didn’t work but can’t be thrown away, and of course, handmade soap. Once you have confirmed that your new friend has an oddly shaped bar of soap, you should ask them if they make their own. If the answer is yes, you have discovered what you will be receiving for your birthday! If the answer is no, then you know exactly what to get them for nondenominational holidays.

Read Part Five: Never throwing things away 

Read Part Three: Being depressed by statistics

Read Part Two: Brainwashing children 

Read Part One: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner