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Stuff Environmentalists Like, Part 3: Being Depressed By Statistics


From the cover story of the December issue of Plenty Magazine, the third installment in your beginner's guide to befriending and exploiting green people


By Christian Lander



The best way to ensure that you always have something to say around your new friends is to make sure that you are getting information from sources they trust. To determine if a news source is acceptable, simply look to see if it is sold at the checkout stand at Whole Foods. If this is the case, study the content for conversation points. Before you know it, you will be conversing fluently about tidal power, offshore drilling, and gas taxes.

 

Although television is broadly recognized as unacceptable, documentaries are seen as a very important source of statistics and anecdotes. It is essential that you understand how important it is to be able to recite statistics on demand: percentage of Arctic ice melted; average global temperature; days of drought; number of species endangered; and acres of rainforest destroyed hourly. Fortunately, these numbers change every day, so do not be concerned with accuracy.

Read Part Five: Never throwing things away

Read Part Four: Knowing which ingredients in your shampoo will kill you

Read Part Two: Brainwashing children

Read Part One: Bringing numerous talking points to dinner