Stuff Environmentalists Like, Part 2: Brainwashing Children

From the cover story of the December issue of Plenty Magazine, the second installment in your beginner's guide to befriending and exploiting green people

By Christian Lander

When it comes to children, environmentalists generally have the same attitude they have toward cars: it’s nice to have your own, but it’s better for the overpopulated earth to use one that’s already been produced. If you want a child but do not want to go through the hassle of conception and delivery, find an environmentalist with three or more children. They will be more than happy to hand you their youngest child to help offset their family’s impact. In fact, celebrity environmentalist Ed Begley Jr has already given away three of his own children to help reduce his carbon footprint.

Since the human population is most responsible for the destruction of the planet, you might be wondering if it is appropriate to suggest that an environmentalist commit suicide as a gift to the earth. The answer is no, mostly because environmentalists have so much work to do before they die and are eventually composted.

But while they are on earth, one of the environmentalists’ top priorities is to raise a child in the most eco-friendly fashion possible. This process begins with natural childbirth and quickly moves to a restricted diet entirely free of processed sugar, bleached flour, and all other food items typically enjoyed by children. The ultimate plan is to force kids to acquire a taste for organic broccoli, whole grains, and tofu before their young minds can yearn for a Happy Meal.

This is important to know in the event that you are asked to supervise an environmentalist’s child. More than likely there will be a list—a very long list—of things the child cannot do, so it is essential to do everything in your power to avoid getting involved. If for some reason you do get stuck babysitting, you should feed the child Snickers bars and soda. This is also an excellent strategy for quickly exiting a friendship with any environmentalist who can no longer benefit you in any way.

Next week: Being depressed by statistics.